Photo taken by my talented sister Heather
I love my family with all my heart. I think you all know that. But truth be told, I've been struggling lately with a sadness. It was about a year ago that we found out that I was pregnant. We were excited. We hoped for a little boy, but would have been thrilled with another awesome girl. And then everything changed. That baby was gone. It was hard to deal with. The hardest thing ever to deal with? Quite possibly. Friends were wonderful. They brought dinner & offered to watch the girls. Some anonymous person left a Christmas wreath on our front door. No doubt, I will always remember that time in our life whenever I pull out that wreath at Christmas time.
I felt confident that I would be pregnant again before that baby's due date. It was a sad day when the due date rolled around & I wasn't. Then Dylan was laid off & we quickly packed up to move from Cleveland to Las Vegas to live at my parents house until Dylan finds another job. Lots of people told me, "It's a good thing you had that miscarriage. Life would be so much harder for you right now if you had a baby." That's not exactly how they said it, but that's how I heard it. I tried to respond by telling them that the baby would have been 4 months old & it wouldn't have been such a big deal to bring the baby along with us on our move. I decided that I would never again tell somebody...."Ah ha!!! This is why you had a miscarriage! It all makes sense now!"
I am really happy for others in my life that are pregnant. I truly am. But news of a new pregnancy or the gender of a baby hits me like a ton of bricks & I'm suddenly brought back to my loss. And I realize that I am still mourning. Still! It seems like it's been so long & I should just be over this. Will this sadness & longing & wanting that (it feels like) I go through on my own ever end? And now, with an unemployed husband, it seems like it will be forever until we add another child to our family. I mean who really tries to get pregnant with a husband out of work?
With all of that said, I know that the Lord has a plan for our family. I know that I am not the only person that feels or has ever felt this way. I don't talk about this with anybody really & I'm not even sure why I'm sharing all this here, but it has been nagging me for days. We all have adversity & trials in this life & we become stronger because of them. I am continuing to learn & grow from this trial that I thought would have been over a long time ago. The Lord has promised, “I will not leave you comfortless. … Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:18, 27
We must taste the bitter so that we can recognize the sweet. Right?