Monday, October 26, 2009

Getting All Personal Here

Photo taken by my talented sister Heather

I love my family with all my heart. I think you all know that. But truth be told, I've been struggling lately with a sadness. It was about a year ago that we found out that I was pregnant. We were excited. We hoped for a little boy, but would have been thrilled with another awesome girl. And then everything changed. That baby was gone. It was hard to deal with. The hardest thing ever to deal with? Quite possibly. Friends were wonderful. They brought dinner & offered to watch the girls. Some anonymous person left a Christmas wreath on our front door. No doubt, I will always remember that time in our life whenever I pull out that wreath at Christmas time.

I felt confident that I would be pregnant again before that baby's due date. It was a sad day when the due date rolled around & I wasn't. Then Dylan was laid off & we quickly packed up to move from Cleveland to Las Vegas to live at my parents house until Dylan finds another job. Lots of people told me, "It's a good thing you had that miscarriage. Life would be so much harder for you right now if you had a baby." That's not exactly how they said it, but that's how I heard it. I tried to respond by telling them that the baby would have been 4 months old & it wouldn't have been such a big deal to bring the baby along with us on our move. I decided that I would never again tell somebody...."Ah ha!!! This is why you had a miscarriage! It all makes sense now!"

I am really happy for others in my life that are pregnant. I truly am. But news of a new pregnancy or the gender of a baby hits me like a ton of bricks & I'm suddenly brought back to my loss. And I realize that I am still mourning. Still! It seems like it's been so long & I should just be over this. Will this sadness & longing & wanting that (it feels like) I go through on my own ever end? And now, with an unemployed husband, it seems like it will be forever until we add another child to our family. I mean who really tries to get pregnant with a husband out of work?

With all of that said, I know that the Lord has a plan for our family. I know that I am not the only person that feels or has ever felt this way. I don't talk about this with anybody really & I'm not even sure why I'm sharing all this here, but it has been nagging me for days. We all have adversity & trials in this life & we become stronger because of them. I am continuing to learn & grow from this trial that I thought would have been over a long time ago. The Lord has promised, “I will not leave you comfortless. … Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:18, 27

We must taste the bitter so that we can recognize the sweet. Right?


Whitney said...

Yes, victory is so sweet because of the struggle. I know it not from miscarriage, but from unemployment (twice!), having to move in with family, and medical needs. We're finally seeing the light on the other side. My son is healthy, my husband is employed, and we have our own home again. When I'm having a bad day, I just remember what I've been given just this past couple of months. It is SO much sweeter.

Hang in there.

~linds said...

Candace, I've been following your site for a while, though I don't think I've ever commented. But I've felt a strong urge lately to pray for you and your family. I don't know the pain of the things you are going through personally but HE knows and He will give you the grace and the strength for each day. Be encouraged, this is a desert season and like all seasons in life, it will pass. Until it does, I will be praying.

Thanks for sharing your creativity and your heart with such transparency. You are a blessing in ways you may never know this side of Heaven.

Missy said...

I know what you're going through. The EXACT same thing just happend to me and my husband. I know we'll make it through! I'm praying for you.

The Morris Family said...

Oh sweet Candace. I don't always believe people when they say they've been there, but I really have been there. I miscarried and then it took us four years to get pregnant with Tyler. I completely sympathize with you. It was so painful to hear of anyone else getting pregnant. But I can promise you that it gets better. You will be blessed with a baby when the time is right, and you'll appreciate that baby so much more because of the struggle you went through to get him/her to your family. Tyler is our little miracle baby. Also, don't procrastinate checking things out with the doctor. I did, and I could have had Tyler years earlier if I would have gone in sooner. Blasted Insulin Resistance! I love you, and pray for you.

Courtney said...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

It is this verse that I turn to when the loss of my son hits me like a ton of bricks and I start to wonder why and question God - when I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel or understand while I'll never again hold my precious baby this side of heaven. It was three years ago this 9/11 that my son went to be with his heavenly Father at 32 weeks into my pregnancy. Some days I've finally started feeling "normal" again, other days it's all I can do to function through our daily routines with my 2 year old daughter - whom I never would have had if I hadn't lost my son. I finally started seeing a Christian counselor a month ago, and I've started to realize there's a lot more to this than just this - there is a lot more to heal than just the "loss" because it impacted all of me, not just part of me.
I've also realized that eventually I'll be able to think about, talk about, or write about all of this without a huge knot in my throat and tears in my eyes, that truly God has plans for me to prosper - not to wilt on the vine, and He has the same plans for you.

The day will come when we will see them again, hold them, and smile, but until that happens we need to learn to live this life and not the next. There will be more blessings in this life, in God's own time, have faith sister and He will see you through. *hugs*

heather said...

I don't know you but I do enjoy reading your blog and seeing all the fun things you sew.
Thank you so much for those personal thoughts. I needed to hear them and I needed that scripture as well. We are living with my parents right now and it's been a tough 2 years, but like the scripture says, "the Lord will not leave us comfortless...".
Again, thank you for your words and I'm sorry for your loss.

rose said...

I'm going through something different and know how it feels to have a sadness hit over and over again. It has been a while and so I can feel how much stronger I am becoming and know I'm going to overcome this. And yes, sad times are part of life, but when it hits, it still hurts.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Thanks for sharing.

Artsy Momma said...

I cant say the pain will ever go away but it does dull. I have been struggling with my own miscarriage for over two years. And even after we had a baby after the miscarriage I still mourn over the loss, we are mothers and that is what we do. Your heart will heal, I promise.

The P*dunc's said...

My sister and I were talking about our recent miscarraiges just this morning (hers 8 months ago, mine last month). We were also crying for (and strengthened by )these sweet mothers who recently lost their babies:

Heather said...

I do know you and I believe I may have mentioned something along those lines. I am sorry. I didn't mean it in that way. I had assumed that time had healed and for that was wrong. I suppose it just takes some longer to heal. I have been there. I know how emotional it is. I thought I may never have another baby after 2 miscarriages and 4 years between children. Looking back, I KNOW that the children came when the time was right to heal certain situations that had occurred in our family. Heavenly Father is mindful of you.
Have hope that you will hold another baby when the time is right.
He knows when that time is.
Trust him.
I love you.
Hang in there.

Genevieve said...

so i am a somewhat new reader to your blog and love following it. and i have to say today, thank you for sharing this post. i'm sure it's not an easy one to share. we are actually just going through what you went through a yr ago. i went in thinking everything was fine and after having multiple ultrasounds done by my drs and the perinatalogist, they confirmed there was no heartbeat. it is hard and even though i also believe that our Heavenly Father has a plan for us, it is still hard. thank you for sharing and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sophie said...

I don't know if this will help but there's a great book out there called Jesse, Found in Heaven by Chris Pringle. Perhaps you might like it.

alison said...

I'm sorry that you're heart is still grieving. I think that it creeps up on you at times. Like you said though--there's a plan.

3 'lil Lemons said...

Oh Candace! I'm glad I'm not the only one still grieving. Somedays all I feel like doing is crying but I feel like I should be over it too. It IS hard when you find out someone else is pregnant-I have 3 sisters pregnant right now. I feel so left behind. Thank goodness for a loving Heavenly Father that can help us through these hard times. I love and miss you lots!

Shay said...

Candace, I had no idea that you were grieving about that, I knew you were trying and tryingm but had no idea how sad you were about it all. It makes sense to feel the way you do and it's okay. I doon't think there is any perfect or right thing to say about all of it, but I just hope that your family will be happy and that your hopes of becomming a mother again will happen soon. Love and miss you all.

Tara said...

I doubt there's anything I can say that other readers haven't already said; but I am so moved by your writing and sharing this experience.

I just wanted to tell you not to get down on yourself for feeling "shouldn't I be over this?", from other women I've spoken to, and simply imagining being in your shoes - I don't think losing a child (born breathing or not) is something a mother gets over. Furthermore, I think it's important that you respect yourself for loving that child as much as the two darling girls you have with you.


Nga said...

wow. i think you put into words exactly how i've been feeling the last several months! my husband and i were ecstatic when we found out i was pregnant (with my first) and then right at the end of my 12wks when i was about to start telling close friends we found out we had lost the baby. i wasn't able to miscarry naturally and had a dnc as well, and it's been an emotional battle since. all of my friends have just had their firsts or are currently pregnant with their firsts and even though i'm excited for them i can't help but want to shut myself off from them. i know that when january 20th rolls around i'm going to be dreading it big time.

Donna said...

Look at your beautiful family. Your sister caught you all well.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but having seen friends deal with this, I can just say to give yourself the space and time to mourn and heal. The creator definitely has a plan and you must trust that this is the truth. Things will get easier, your family will keep you strong, and you'll be strong for them. Big hugs,

Erin L said...

the bitter still sucks in the moment. The refiner's fire makes you beautiful, but it still burns. I hope the best of everything for you guys.

ps I can't believe how big Sadie is. I was just thinking the other day how she used to say, 'see ya later, alligator, Erin.'

chanel said...


Anonymous said...

I have been hoping you'd someday share how you are healing.
I too had a miscarriage, this spring. I was due this month.
October has been a rotten month for me, and I fully expected I'd be pregnant again too by now.
But I'm not.
I'm trying to make peace with that, I know my body well enough now that I never get pregnant when I am stressed, sad, or in a bad place. Hoping that when this month is over, some of it will lift.
Thinking of you, and can relate,

Bianca said...

You are so strong to share this with everyone. It's raw, honest, and a bit comforting...for those of us who struggled with the same problem. It's not easy, but I am so happy to know that you know the Lord. Let him be your rock, and your salvation.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

What a blessing your blog is, and what a light you are - keep on shining.

Bex said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the difficult circumstances you find yourself in at the moment. Hang in there. It will get better.

Stephanie said...

Children are a blessing from the Lord. The big ones, the little ones, the ones that seem to have passed too soon. His timing is perfect. What a crazy awesome mess to get pregnant now - GO for it!!! HE will provide.

andrea said...

We need to talk, I feel like we've been going through a lot of the same things lately. I am sorry you've been struggling. It was and is very sad and you have every right to mourn. Hopefully all these things make sense some day.

Jen said...

Oh Candace. I am so sorry. I have had 2 miscarriages and they are some of the hardest things I have ever been through. I had my second the 1st week of December too and it was horrible. It is so okay to mourn. I remember someone telling me that I would not get over it until I was holding another baby in my arms and that was how it was when I finally had Ellis. People say some terrible things when they think they are "helping." I am so sorry and I wish I could do more, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and good luck to your husband in finding work.

Grace =) said...

I'm kind of late seeing this post. I just wanted to say I am sorry to hear about your grief. When my sister miscarried I found out how many women actually do have miscarriages and how profoundly it affects each of them. Even though most of them had been able to have children afterwards they still grieved for the child they never got to know. Through it I learned that while we all want so very much to say something that will help the ones we love who are grieving, sometimes the only thing we can do is pray (always pray) and offer our shoulder for them to cry on and an ear for listening.

So know that our virtual ears and shoulders are there for you. Praying that in your grief you and all the others who have experienced miscarriages will be shown Jesus's love and mercy and comfort. Thanks for sharing.

dana said...

What a beautiful post. I don't have any wisdom to share because I don't think you were really asking for that. Sometimes it feels good to just vocalize things. I hope that typing your post lifted the burden a bit. I truly love it when people share their feelings like this. I hope there's a baby in your plan down the road. I know Heavenly Father hears the yearnings of our hearts.

cara. said...

just wanted to remind you that youre allowed to mourn. mourn it all. the baby, pregnancy, jobs.....but do not be afraid to hope and do not second guess the desires of your heart. i'm honored to read such a vulnerable piece of you as my second baby is 4 months old....i hold her a little tighter right now remembering yours and remembering my sweet boy....


leckndi said...

Candace, I only met you via your blog this morning and I was so moved by your story from Monday that I had to post a comment. Like so many of the people who have commented this week, we too lost a child. Our Lynn Katherine was born and died on October 16, 1982, which means she would have turned 27 this month. We have three other children who range in age from 30 to 17, and we cherish all of them, but we still sometimes experience the familiar tug of sadness and "what-if?". I wish I could fold you in my arms for a long hug and a good cry, but since I can't, I'll share a couple of things I've learned.

It's so important that you and your family follow your own hearts in grieving for your child. You said you don't talk about it very much and seemed surprised by the fact that you were writing about it. Something inside you moved you to share it, and that's part of your own soul's grieving process. As hard as it was to do, it was right for you and allowed you to cast off a little piece of the burden you're carrying and share it with others. You already know from the responses you've had that we readers are carefully cradling that small measure of your sorrow and are returning bits of encouragement and love to you. Some are sharing portions of their own pain as well, and the result is a real and evolving sense of community and sisterhood.

Over time you will come more and more to accept your loss. This will happen sometimes in fits and starts, and at other times in a slow progression, but always, the movement is toward a healing of the rent in your hearts. Do you remember the feeling you had when one of your children got her first little cut somewhere on her flawless silken skin? I remember a stab of fear when this happened to my children, that there might be a scar. Right now the injury to your soul is still new, but as with most wounds, scar tissue will develop. Scars remind us of our hurts, but they also serve as evidence of healing. You will never be the same, but you will be better.

Your child will live always in your hearts and memories. After our loss, people who meant well tried to console us by telling us that we could have more children, implying that somehow these future children might replace our beloved daughter. We did go on to have two more children, both of whom, like their older brother, are individual and treasured because God made them for us and gave them to us, and all of them have their own place in the circle of our family. For Mother's Day 2003 my husband took me to a local jewelry store and asked me to choose a style of mother's ring. In the circle of this beautiful ring there are four stones. In the circle of this loving community you've created, there are many mothers who willingly grieve with you and share your loss. Thank you for allowing that.

Amber said...

i was very touched by your story. thank you for sharing.

RachelDenbow said...

How did I not see this post before! Candace, I feel like we share a lot of similar pain from similar life experiences and want to say I appreciate that you let some of that play out online because it really lends itself to healing and receiving support despite how difficult and vulnerable it can feel. It also helps me realize I'm not the only one who has dealt with these challenges and gets me out of focusing only on my own pain.

I'm sad with you and hopeful for you at the same time. You're a beautiful, strong, talented woman. Someday we should do coffee.

♥Amber Filkins♥ said...

I used to follow your blog a long time ago. I followed during the time of your loss, and I remember feeling such sadness and pain for you, because I had just had a miscarriage too. And just before Rachel. Lots of pain & sadness. I still mourn that loss, and my baby would now be 7 months old. I wish for him to be here all the time.

We tried and tried to get pregnant again. Almost an entire year went by before we got pregnant again. FINALLY in the beginning of September this year we found out we were pregnant. I was beyond thrilled, as was everyone in our lives. We had waited so long & endured so much pain.

3 weeks ago all of our hopes & dreams were dashed yet again as we learned I'd had another miscarriage. I had to go through another D&C, and then a lot of tests & such, and now we wait. Sad, hurting, and at a loss.

I have had those comments. Those 'well meaning' comments, that do nothing but sting. While people probably do mean well, they don't actually do good, but cause more pain.

I'm still not recovered from the loss of our first baby {lost}, Ashten. And now I am certainly no where close to recovering the loss of our second baby {lost}, Charlie. {I put those b/c we do have 2 girls}.

But the thing is, I don't think that we'll ever recover. The pain will lessen some over time, which it thankfully had with Ashten, but we will be forever changed. The ONLY good thing that I have gotten from these experiences is the closer relationship with God, and experiencing Him fully as our healer, comforter, etc. Along with learning exactly know to comfort someone else who is going through the same pain. I do thank God for those 2 things. But it is in no way an "aha" moment like others try to find as to WHY it happened. There will never be a why.

I am so sorry for your loss.

{stopping over from Rachel's}

Alysa said...


I am pretty new to your blog, but I was pulled to it because of your awesome crafts and your willingness to be open about the tough times in your life. Thank you so much for sharing this.

I had a miscarriage in 2005. It was my first pregnancy. People said things like "at least you were not very far along" like that made it better. We thought we would get pregnant again right away, but month after month it didn't happen. I went through a lot of ups and downs during that time. The passage that kept coming to me was Psalm 37:7 (NLT) "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act."

We went on to have two beautiful children. I am so thankful for them! There are still times though when my heart aches for the baby we lost. When I was having an especially sad season, I got a sterling silver bean (that's what we called the baby) charm from rachelmira on Etsy. I have a charm for each member of my family around my neck, and I love having my bean there too.

Anyways, thanks for sharing. I hope you have found out that you are not alone, and that it is normal to still be sad!! You have a beautiful family.

Laura said...

It's been 5.5 and 4.5 years since our miscarriages (same day, two years in a row, the week of Mother's Day--talk about your cosmic black humor!). It was hard and then it was bittersweet and now it is a blessing. I still get emotional sometimes, when just the right combination of things gets me, but I'm so grateful to have had the experience for my own growth and for the way it has increased my capacity to serve others.

I don't have the basketball team plus substitutes that I hoped for when we got married. We have a doubles tennis team instead. Still, I'm grateful every time I look at my shelf where there are two little plaster fists and two statues of angels cradling babies to remember that I have been blessed with four children. And I'm grateful that I can feel grateful, because it's not easy and don't let anyone tell you that it shouldn't hurt just because it's been ________ weeks/months/years. You just work on it with the Lord, and blessings will come.

Hugs from a stranger . . .

Meg said...

I recently found your blog (I bought a calendar from you around Christmas that I love!!). I was just reading through all of your stuff, you are one talented girl! Very refreshing. I wasn't going to leave a comment but I saw this post and couldn't not leave a comment. I'm so sorry about the things that have been going on in your life. Miscarriage is hard, losing a baby is very hard. I lost my little boy at 21 weeks in May and that was super hard (still is). Then 3 months later I found out that I had cancer and am going through chemo right now. So baby making is on a major hold for me too. I'm sorry about your husbands unemployment. I know that sometimes life just throws so much at you and it's hard to understand why some of us have to go through so much when what we want is something that is so good... to grow our family. I really believe in this last line that you wrote, the bitter does make the sweet so much sweeter. I look forward to enjoying those sweet times. Hang in there! It's okay to still be grieving.

Biz said...

I understand your feelings all to well. November 6th I suffered a miscarriage after 10 weeks of being pregnant with our first child.
Although I am doing fine now and we are starting to try again I too have moments where a pang of sadness hits me.
I am surrounded by many wonderful pregnant ladies whom I am so excited for, but there are times when i think about where I would be right now and a feel that green eyed monster crawl up my shoulder to hover.
I pray that as you are healing and preparing for your next steps that you will know you are not alone.
Stop by sometime...

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